Alvin, Simon, Theodore & Me

OK, so maybe I don't look like a chipmunk anymore, but I did all weekend.

The big dental procedure has come and gone and all I have to say is that it was one traumatic experience. I am so very glad I never have to do it again, because I don't think I could. Well, honestly, I probably could but I'd probably be more nervous.

Allow me to take you on stroll down memory lane...

I spent a lovely Thanksgiving in Queens, but I did wake up that morning feeling hot, sweaty and a little weak. JM deduced that it was probably my anxiety manifesting itself as a physical illness. Made sense, but nevertheless I was intent to get home at a decent hour so I could get some sleep.

The next day I woke up pretty early so I decided to go on a short shopping trip to make me feel a little better. I managed to pick up a few DVDs I wanted and a pair of jeans. What? I didn't want to go all crazy on Black Friday. I knew I'd probably have to shell out big bucks in a few hours, so I had to show some restraint.

Eventually I made it to the dentist's office...30 minutes early. Apparently public transportation was working in my favor that morning. Funny how it does that when you have no desire to be at your intended destination. Anyway, I was there early so I decided to immerse myself in one of their celebrity tabloids. Just as as I was getting into the truth behind Robert and Kristin's secret romance, they called my name. Everything happened so quickly and before I knew it the dentist was putting some contraption on my nose and telling me to just breathe normally. He talked me through the process and suddenly the laughing gas hit me. One minute I'm staring at the ceiling and the next I can't seem to keep my eyes open.

At this point you'd think I'd be mellow like Jell-O, uhhhh.....yeah, that's not what happened. My whole body started to feel really heavy so I tried to raise one of my arms, but found that I couldn't for some reason. In fact, I felt like I couldn't move at all. Of course this triggered my mind to go into panic attack mode. I tried to say something, but that wasn't happening with a needle in my mouth. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster and I thought for sure it would stop any minute. (I later found out that an elevated heartbeat was normal in situations like this--who knew?) Then the bright light above seemed to turn into the bright white light you hear people talk about when they're on the verge of death. As if that wasn't enough, I felt like I was spinning and couldn't seem to stop it. So, instead of feeling relaxed, my overactive mind just made me even more anxious.

Then finally, after the dentist had given me my eight shots of Novocaine and I was sufficiently numb and breathing at a much normal speed, my chair finally stopped spinning and he started giving me orders to open my mouth. He started with the top left tooth, which was growing sideways, and amazingly enough it seemed to come out with no trouble. I thought, "Awesome! This might not be so bad." Yeah, not really.

The lower left tooth seemed to be giving him a little trouble, so he had to get some help from his trusty drill and yank on it a little harder. Eventually it came out and my left leg only popped up for a minute before it relaxed again. Next up was the lower right tooth. This was being just as feisty as the lower left and required a little more drilling and tugging. My left leg stayed popped up just a little bit longer. There were a few grunts from me and lots of readjusting of my head, but eventually it decided to come out. OK, so far not so bad, but wait...we're not done yet.

The dentist decided to leave the best one for last--the impacted upper right tooth. This one definitely put up a fight. I'm not sure how long he was working on it, but from where I was sitting it felt like forever. My left leg was popped up the entire time and there was definitely way more drilling and tugging on this tooth. I mean, the man was really trying to yank this one out. He was trying all sorts of positions to get the best grip and my lip was definitely taking a beating. Throughout this whole thing I could feel pain around my lips as they stretched my mouth and repositioned tools. Unfortunately, that was the one area of my mouth that wasn't completely numb. At one point during this knock-down drag-out fight, the dentist warned me that I would hear a sound. I can't really remember what kind of sound he said it was, but I just remember cringing when I heard it. I also remember the assistant stroking my arm and reassuring me that this was almost over. I suppose she did this when she realized there were tears coming out of my eyes. Then finally, the dentist was victorious and the tooth made it on the tray with its other fallen brothers.

They packed my mouth full of gauze and brought me down from the gas. As I sat up I saw the tray in front of me with all my bloody teeth. It looked like something from a horror movie. The assistant asked me if I wanted to keep them and I quickly said no. If I wanted to keep them, I would have left them in my mouth instead of going through this barbaric torture.

After paying my monstrous bill and getting my meds, JM and CM picked up and took me home--for which I'm very thankful. I thought I could make it home on my own, which I would have done if I had no options, but to keep my mom from worrying I decided to ask for help. I'm glad I did. They took me home, bought me some food and cooked for me. They even hung out for a little bit until they knew I'd be OK. Unfortunately, that's when the real fun started.

The Percoset decided to kick in shortly after they left and that's when I realized my body didn't really like it. Of course I should have known this since I knew it didn't like Vicodin but whatever. Now, during the first 24 hours you're not supposed to rinse your mouth or spit, which probably also means that vomiting is out of the question. Well, as many of you know, I have a problem with nausea and vomiting so you can pretty much guess what happened. Three words: Red projectile vomit. It was like something out of The Exorcist. Yeah, definitely not pretty.

After I cleaned up that horrific mess in the bathroom, I rinsed my sore mouth as best I could and stuffed it with more gauze to help with the bleeding. Can I just say that the process of replacing the gauze was totally gross. Every time I took it out blood would dribble down my chin, making me look like a freaking vampire. Amazingly, that violent display of upchucking did not make the bleeding worse. So I crawled into bed and was able to get the sleep I needed and craved.

A few hours later, my rumbling stomach woke me up. After only having oatmeal in the morning and throwing up what little I could eat after the procedure, I decided I needed a tiny bowl of mashed potatoes to quiet my stomach. I made myself some tea and let it cool down while I ate the delicious taters. About 15 minutes after eating, a wave of nausea hit me again. Fortunately, this time I was able to get to the bathroom in time. Once that whole thing was done I decided I was going to call it a night, crawl back into bed and pray that things would be better the next day--and they were.

My face was still swollen and I had some red abrasion in the corner of my mouth, but it didn't look like I had just gotten into a fight with Manny Pacquiao. It just looked like I'd gained 10 pounds in my face overnight. I can only imagine how bigger it would have been if I hadn't put those ice packs on my face. I spent the rest of the weekend on the couch trying to stuff my face with mush when all I really wanted was a giant cheeseburger. I still want one now.

Anyway, that's my tale. The one bright ray of sunshine to come out of this entire experience is knowing that I will not have to pull out another wisdom tooth ever again. I suppose that qualifies as a happy ending.

Does the Tooth Fairy Take Wisdom Teeth?

You know how you'd put your baby teeth under your pillow and the tooth fairy would take it and leave you money? Well, I wonder how much she'd leave for wisdom teeth.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I've been putting off yanking out my wisdom teeth for quite some time now--probably a decade--and have finally scheduled an appointment to get them removed in exactly one week. So I better eat everything I can on Thanksgiving, because I'm only going to be able to eat mush for the rest of the holiday weekend. Happy Thanksgiving to me!

I don't really trust doctors and there's some anxiety here only because I've heard a million horror stories about wisdom teeth extractions. Everything from the IV slipping out and the person regaining consciousness during the procedure to getting the wrong tooth pulled. How any of that is possible, I'm not quite sure. So, I made it very clear to this man all my concerns and hangups.

What sucks is that when I made this appointment I didn't know the office had two oral surgeons, so instead of getting the one my coworker recommended I got his partner. Some of his reviews have been glowing and others were negative. I tried to switch at the office, but they assured me he was just as good (of course), so I decided to give him a chance. He seemed nice, competent and he didn't give me attitude when I got all crazy on him with my questions. Instead of prolonging the inevitable, I just gave in and made the appointment for next Friday.

With all four teeth being pulled I'm sure my face is going to swell up to twice its size. Even better--I decided to skip the anesthesia and go with the novacaine and laughing gas cocktail. I always thought I'd be one of those patients to be put under, but there's something about it that doesn't sit well with me. Plus my insurance won't cover it, so that pretty much helped me make the decision.

So, until this actually happens I anticipate a few anxiety headaches and an increase in my blood pressure. The only thing that's making me feel better about this whole thing is that maybe it will help alleviate all my other ailments like the jaw cracking and headaches. The doctor did notice how loud my jaw was and seemed slighly taken aback by it, which is the normal response from everyone. After this I may need to get fitted for a mouth guard. He said that over time it could get to the point where I can't open my mouth that wide...and cue the dirty jokes.

By the way, did you know that an impacted top tooth could move up into your sinus cavity if a cyst develops around it? Yeah, I didn't, but now I do. So I'm making sure that sucker gets yanked.

Booked & Ready to Go

I'm pretty proud of myself for making vacation plans before airfare skyrocketed. I did the research, put in my vacation time, got it approved fairly quickly and bought my ticket for the bargain basement price of $279. Yes, I'm pretty impressed with myself. Now all I need to do is make plans for when I'm in California, which by the way will be from December 18 to January 4.

The good news is that my family wants to take a trip up north the weekend after Christmas, so I may finally be able to see friends I haven't seen in ages. One of them is pregnant, so I'm hoping to get a glimpse of her baby belly. So exciting! In fact, while I'm home another friend is due to give birth and I hope I'm there when it happens. Last time her little buddle of joy timed it just right and made an appearance the day I was leaving. I actually got to see her hours before I boarded my plane.

I'm also really excited to see the changes my mom made to our house--new exterior paint, new flooring, new toilets! Trust me, the place really needed these updates.

Then of course I can't wait to see all my favorite former coworkers, who of course are now dear friends. I don't think we could have stayed in touch all these years if they were merely people I used to work with once upon a time. Every year I make it a point to try to get together with them for lunch or dinner when I go home for Christmas. It's kind of become some sort of tradition since I left. Thankfully, I don't have to sneak into the old office to see them since they've all been able to escape its clutches.

Disneyland is also on the agenda this year. My sister has an annual pass, so she has kindly offered to pay for my ticket as a Christmas treat. Unfortunately, she's going to do everything in her power to get me on Space Mountain. In case you didn't know, I hate roller coasters. Can't stand them and I don't get the supposed rush that everyone gets from riding them. The feeling I get when my stomach drops and my heart starts racing is probably similar to that of someone suffering from a heart attack. I think it's the most horrible feeling ever! Oddly though, I'm perfectly OK with going on the Matterhorn and Splash Mountain. Yeah, I don't have an explanation.

I'm not all that excited about another year ending, especially so quickly, but I am looking forward to this 18-day vacation. Yes, I do have a crapload of vacation days and for that I'm very, very thankful.

Pretty in Pink

I was sitting at my desk this morning when the office guy came by with a package for me. (Minds out of the gutter people!) I figured it was just another product from a PR firm. I don't really get that many compared to the other editors, but then again, I'm relatively new to this position.

Anyway, when I opened it up I found a heart-shaped box wrapped in tissue paper. OK, I thought, this is obviously a promotion for Valentine's Day, which really isn't that far away if you think about it. What freaked me out a little was the fact that the tissue had "X rated" all over it. (Yes, my mind then went to the gutter at that point.) When I shook the box I could hear things moving around, so I figured it could be anything, from chocolate to lingerie or even a sex toy. As I opened the box I was fully prepared to find something completely naughty, but I was pleasantly suprised to find chocolates and three itty-bitty bottles of pink alcohol: X Rated Fusion Liqueur, a sensuous  fusion of ultra premium French vodka and Sicilian blood orange mingling with mango and passion fruits. Sounds delicious!

I brought it home with me, but I have yet to bust it open and drink it. The box included a few drink recipes, so I'll have to try them out. I shared the other bottles with my coworkers, and one of them decided she needed a swig at 11:30 this morning. I busted up laughing as I watched her, which of course made her laugh and almost choke on the drink. She was so happy for the little treat--I don't think I'd ever seen her that excited the whole time I've worked with her.

So what was the verdict? She gave it an enthusiastic two thumbs up. Since it's pink, I'm pretty sure my male readers won't touch it with a 10-foot pole. Well, except maybe JG--he's always up for girly things. :) I kid, I kid--not really.

I think what's keeping me from opening the bottle and downing the contents is that it's just too cute to drink. I will have to do a taste test soon if I'm going to write something up for our site. Although it's a tiny bottle, I'm pretty sure the color of my face is going to match the bottle once I'm done. Cheers to me!

Not in a Party Mood

I knew it was happening today, but I didn't think it was a good enough reason to take the day off and stay home--even though I have a million and one vacation days. So I decided to brave the commute and the sea of pinstripes to get some work done today. I should have reconsidered that plan.

My first indicator that things were not going to go well was at the bus stop. There were people there bundled up in every piece of Yankees clothing they could find, slutty fans who re-purposed their Yankees gear into more revealing outfits, adults who probably called in sick and kids cutting school. It seemed like every bus was more crowded than usual for a Friday at 9 a.m.

When I got into the city, the subway at 42nd wasn't too bad. I could tell there were some people trying to make their way downtown for the parade, but it wasn't insanely crowded. It was a completely different story when our train pulled into the 34th St. station. As the train slowed, all I could see was a see of Yankee fans and I knew they were all getting on my train. The minute the doors opened a huge crowd of them filed in, forcing me to flatten myself like a pancake against the door. I was never so glad to get off at my stop. I practically had to push people aside just to exit. The woman behind me got so annoyed she started to yell "Excuse me!" at the top of her lungs.

I thought I would have a little more breathing room once I stepped out of the train. Nope, I just ran into a huge mass of fans at the Metrocard machines. Once I surfaced on the street, it was basically the same scenario. The only place I could find refuge was in our office. Then, lunch came around. One of our former employees came by to visit so we went to a local BBQ place where, as you'd expect, were a million fans watching the parade on the many TVs in the joint. I felt like I was stuck in a Yankees nightmare. I'm surprised I even survived the day.

I'm not saying the Yankees and their fans don't have a right to celebrate. They played well and in the end they were the best team. Plus, it's about time the most expensive team ever created won a championship. I say party hard--enjoy it!

I just should have stayed home.