Young Love

One of my favorite spots in the world.

A few weeks ago I was feeling nostalgic and a little stalkerish. I was thinking about the past and life as a teenager when I decided to Google a few people. It’s amazing how much information you can dig up on a person.

One of the first people to come to mind was my very first boyfriend. I was 18, about to graduate, when he walked into the dry cleaning establishment I often hung out at after school. I realize it’s a little odd for a teenage girl to be randomly hanging out a dry cleaner’s, but it was my friend’s after-school job and she was often there by herself.

Apparently she had befriended this guy when he was eating at the Vietnamese restaurant next door, or something like that. It’s been a while so I’m a little hazy on the details, but I do remember seeing him for the first time and not exactly looking my best. I was wearing my glasses because something was wrong with my eyes that day and I most likely had some sort of zit on my face as a result of end-of-year stress. I still had prom and finals and graduation, and in high school my body didn’t react well to stress.

But somehow I found myself hanging out with him, going on a date and experiencing the world of relationships for the very first time. It was both frightening and exhilarating and for the first time in my life I felt a little out of control.

The photo above is a picture of Laguna Beach. One of my favorite memories is tied to that location. One night, he and I were walking along the beach when we decided to climb up one of the lifeguard stands. It was a pretty cool night and once we got up there I could really feel the breeze, which chilled me even more. I remember snuggling with him up there, looking out at the dark ocean and just feeling content, at peace. I was in love and I didn’t want to be anywhere else but with him in that moment.

We spent the summer in a somewhat tumultuous relationship that ended with him lying and cheating and me leaving for school in Missouri. We kept in touch sporadically while I was away. That first semester was tough not just because I was homesick and adjusting to a new life, but because I missed him and constantly wondered what would have happened if I’d just stayed in California.

Once I started settling in and feeling more comfortable in my surroundings, I found myself creating a life in good old Missouri. I had great friends, a routine and lots of cute college crushes that ranged from baseball players to engineering nerds. Life went on and soon I’d forgotten everything bad and only had nice memories of the time he and I had together.

Over the years I thought about him from time to time, just wondering how his life turned out and if he was happy. When I did my Google search, I didn’t realize I’d also find my answers.
After finally finding an engagement announcement and his LinkedIn page, I was able to figure out he’d married a pretty girl from Texas, left the Marines and entered the Coast Guard where he’d been serving for the past 15 years, and he lived in Hawaii. I immediately let my friend know since she’d been searching for him the past few years, wishing they hadn’t lost touch and were still friends.

By the time she’d gotten around to creating a LinkedIn page to send him a message, he’d already removed his profile and was nowhere to be found. Being the persistent, resourceful friend I’ve always known her to be, she called the Coast Guard and was able to get a number for the location he was stationed at in Hawaii. When she called, he had just left for the day, so she left a message. The next day she had a text message and a few days later she was talking to him on the phone. Oddly, he had been searching for us on Facebook the week before she’d contacted him.

After talking to him, she called me to give me the scoop and sent me a number of photos of him and his family. Although he’s older, he still looks like the same as I remembered—many of his mannerisms and expressions coming through clearly in those photos. She found out he had three kids, two were adopted from Russia and Korea, and he was blissfully happy in Hawaii with his family. He loved Hawaii so much that he and his wife were in Maui looking for a place to retire, which he intends on doing in the next few years—pretty cool since he’ll only be in his forties.

Hearing about how happy he is and seeing images of his life made me happy that things turned out so well for him. He was the first guy I’d ever said I love you to and on some level a little piece of my heart will always belong to him and be thankful to him for being the first guy to really see me and love me. He had a way of making me feel special at a time when I felt awkward and less than special.

Am I sitting here pining away for him and wondering what if? Absolutely not, because I know things are the way they should be. He has the family and life he’s always wanted and craved, and I’m on the path I’ve chosen for myself. I’m genuinely happy for him. I’m still learning and growing and finding myself, and if things with him had progressed, if one moment or action had drastically changed the course of our lives, I can’t say that I’d be as happy as I am now. I know it would have been a life filled with more struggles than triumphs, not because he was a bad person, but because we would have been too young, not ready for a life so serious. We both still had many adventures to experience in our lives, and our young love would have only strangled those dreams until they no longer existed.

My life is not perfect, no one’s is, but it’s my life and every decision that was made was mine. I’m at this place by choice, not because I left it up to fate. When it comes to my first love, I can honestly say I have no regrets. Everything is as it should be and I’m OK with all of it.